my passion? actual life.
I mentioned earlier that I’m taking this class on how to find your passion. I can’t say that the class has helped my find my passion but I can say that I’ve learned a lot about Finding Your Passion. With capital letters.
The whole Find Your Passion thing is something I believe in absolutely, and is also something that invariably exasperates me. The idea, of course, is that there’s One Thing out there that you’re Meant To Do, and when you Find Your Passion, then Everything Clicks.
(Sorry for the arbitrary capitalization. It’s my understanding that this is how the experts like to talk about these things.)
And I think that’s true. I do believe when you find your niche, you hear nothing but click click clickety click. I mean, hello— that’s what this blog is about, right? And if you can’t find your niche, you carve out your own, right?
But for me personally, l can’t seem to get there. I like lots of different things and get bored really easily, so I’m hesitant about going all in on any one venture. I worry I’ll get stuck in a corner with no escape, and I hate feeling stuck.
At the same time, I don’t want to keep trying new careers forever; every time I start over, it’s back to entry-level wages and clawing my way up the ladder. And that doesn’t seem like a swell answer either.
I’ve held jobs in fields I’m passionate about— painting, writing— and while they’re more fun than other jobs, they still feel like work. (That’s one of the rules about knowing you’ve Found Your Passion, right? It never feels like work?) And I get restless, or resentful, and start thrashing round for a better answer.
The more I read about finding your One Thing, though, the more I realize I don’t care about finding the so-called perfect job. Excuse me: my Passion. I just want more time for things that are… well, not work.
Time to kick it with the kids and binge-watch The Office. Time to mess around on art projects. Time to cook dinner without feeling rushed, and time to hang out with my family after dinner without one eye on the clock because I have to get two more hours in if I’m going to have a big enough paycheck this week without having to work Saturday.
Getting enough hours in this week is a challenge because we’re down to one car so I lost 2 hours of work Monday morning driving Dan to work (in Egypt) and home, plus the 4 other hours I lost Monday because Miss L and Miss G flew in from their respective opposite parents and I picked them up from the airport and then took them to the movies (because yay! Both kids are here and it’s SUMMER!) and then we had to go pick up Dan from work (still in Egypt) and head back home, which cost another hour and a half. Then there’s dinner to be made and eaten and before I know it, the day is over.
At least some of these things are irresponsible compared to working (*cough*cough*MOVIES*cough*). But they’re important to me— important enough that I wish I could reverse work time and free time, and wish that free time were also free from the guilt and stress of losing billable hours, wish I could afford to work less and play more, because work dulls me and the rest of my life lights me up.
And it’s not even that my family is my Passion. I mean, I love the girls and I love my husband and absolutely it’s a top priority that I get to spend time with them, especially in the evenings when we’re all home, and especially in the summer because that’s the main time we get to spend with Miss L all year, and especially this week because she just got here.
But what I really want is to have enough hours in the day to just live life. Less time spent working. More time spent painting, cooking, writing, yoga-ing, being in the world. More time reveling. More time spent on actually living. And I want all this to come without sacrificing a decent wage.
And I kinda suspect— maybe this is what everyone wants. Maybe everyone who’s looking for their One Thing, their Passion, maybe we’re all looking for a life that lets us… enjoy each day. Smell the roses. Suck out the marrow. Carpe diem. All of those clichés.
Actual life is my One Thing.