New site, new word, new year.
“How was yoga?” Dan asks as I plopped down at the breakfast table all sweaty and exhausted.
“It’s funny,” I say. “My brain moves so fast all the time. Even during yoga. In an hour routine, it takes me a half hour to pay attention to the poses at all. It’s ridiculous. But then something clicks and everything goes still and all of a sudden I’m fully in the moment. That one moment, just for a second And I feel like… ‘Yes. THIS.’ Like that feeling is all that matters. Like if I could tap into that all the time, my entire life would fall into place. That’s where everything starts: that feeling; it’s this solid foundation and if I could find that every day… if I let go of all the other bullshit, and just focus on that, then everything– my entire life– will naturally fall into place. And this morning I had two of those moments. So yoga was good.”
Dan says, “I’ve been thinking that too– that’s what we’re missing. Something to build on. We have all these ideas of what we want to do, but we’re trying to do them all at once to achieve our end goal. And I think that’s backwards. We need to start out on solid ground first, and then build out from there.”
And we look at each other.
“Foundation,” I say.
“That’s it. That’s our word, honey,” he says.
Foundation follows pretty naturally after fruition. If 2013 was about tying up loose ends and clearing out long-unfinished projects, what are we left with?
A clean slate. Endless potential. An open space that’s just right for digging and berming and laying brick and mortar.
Anyone who practices yoga knows that feeling, that feeling where you’re in a pose, and you’re doing it just like the teacher said and you think it’s sorta right maybe but it still feels off but technically all your limbs are pointing in the right direction so you just keep holding it because you don’t know what exactly to fix or even if anything is really wrong. Maybe you’re just not used to it or something. And you just stay there, awkward and wrong. Or maybe you even think that you have it right, and you’re all proud of yourself, like yeah. I got this. You don’t even know you don’t have it.
Then the instructor comes over, and moves your arm half an inch to the left, or shifts your hips almost imperceptibly to the right. And your entire body releases and comes into alignment, not just physically but some kind of cosmic alignment with your true self, maybe, or maybe the energy of the universe or your chakras balance or whatever it is that you believe in. In that moment, it happens. You get it. You feel it. And you still don’t know what you were doing wrong earlier but now that you did it right– now that you have that frame of reference, now that you have that foundation– you know that almost-there is no longer enough.
By the end of this past year, my focus on fruition stopped me straddling multiple realities and instead cashed in all my outstanding mental energy. I regrouped. I realized I was really free to build the future of my own choosing now.
I debated a long time about the name for my new site. And when I came up with it, I felt that click. That alignment. Solidity to build upon. Foundation. What shape will it take? No clue. But the base at least is true; I know that.
Everyone says “Oh, do what you love, and the rest falls into place.” I love painting, so I tried painting as a job. But nothing fell into place. I also love writing; I write as my full-time job. And still, nothing falling into place.
Painting stuff I don’t really want to paint and writing stuff I don’t really want to write is like that wrong yoga pose. I thought I was doing it right. I really did. But it turns out, I’m really not.
Do what you love. The rest falls into place. Neatly into place: into long lines and straight columns and joints so tight you can’t slip a hair between the blocks.
This year, I’m building a foundation of the things that I love to do. The me-things. I’m paying myself first, and expecting the rest to fall into place. Aligned. Solidified. A foundation strong enough to support all my future evolution.
Oh hey there, struggling stepparent!
Listen, I put together a new website just for high-conflict blended families: Blended Family Frappé. Come on over and join the hundreds of other stepparents who are reclaiming their sanity one Sunday newsletter at a time.